Thursday, October 20, 2011

Does Islam degrade women? Upgrade women? Downgrade women?

Case in point, the video above.

I wonder what happens if one of the ninjas veiled beauties gets lost in the crowd.

Sister Fatima (to sister Ayesha): Sister, did you see sister Mehnaz?

Sister Ayesha: Yes, here she is (points to lady in mobile tent veiled beauty next to her).

Sister Farah: No, no sister Ayesha. I am sister Farah! Sister Mehnaz went to take a leak.

Sister Ayesha (to sister Fatima): Sister, sister Mehnaz has gone to answer nature's call, this is sister Farah. Sorry about that.

Sister Fatima: That's Sister Farah? I thought you were sister Farah! Which sister are you then, sister?

Phew! I don't understand how these women in dustbin bags veiled beauties manage to work in such a situation. I guess they must be thanking the great Allah for giving humans enough intellect to invent a mobile phone.

Anyway, I wonder what was the point of that question "Does Islam degrade women?"

I mean, Islam is a religion. And unless you are in Saudi, where the religion is the constitution, how can a religion degrade, upgrade, downgrade or for that matter, grade a person?

Secondly, if the questioner has such doubts, then why is she following the religion?

Was the question specifically 'planted' so that the non-Muslims in the crowd (there was at least one sister who did not resemble a female darth vader veiled beauty) could clear their misunderstandings?

Very, very confusing. And very mysterious too, veils and all!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

How to take a Hindu for a ride

 It's easy, really. Hinduism says that God is in everyone and everything and everywhere. So all you need to do is declare that you are... ahem... God.

Steps to follow:

1. Avoid all visits to the barber/hairdresser and develop a morbid hatred for combs, hair gel, mousse and any other grooming product. Let your bushes, thickets and forests grow unabated regardless of what part of the body they are taking root on.

2. Empty your wardrobe of normal clothing. Wear orange/white flowing nightgowns instead. Underwear is optional.

3. Create a spiritual sounding name. The following formula can be used to achieve desired results:

'Sri' * n + 'Swami' + <insert Hindu name>+ 'ananda/dev' + 'baba'


'Sri'*3 + 'Swami' + Mohan +'ananda' + 'baba' = Sri sri sri Swami Mohanananda baba!!

Easy peasy!

4. Memorize a few words like 'mimamsa', 'sankhya', 'dwaita', 'advaita' and spout them out at irregular intervals. It doesn't matter whether you know the meaning of these words or not. Those idiots listening to you won't have any idea either.

5. Learn a few petty magic tricks, like materializing ash from your hands and feet, stones from your mouth etc. If you manage to grow a plant from your nose, you will reach baba super stardom. This has not been achieved yet. The field is still open for the next swami sensation.

6. Take a few common yoga asanas, add to that a few breathing techniques, mix in a few motivational speeches and viola! You have your own 7 day spiritual course costing a few thousand rupees. Now advertise the aforesaid course and watch the bored and the depressed throw their hard earned-moolah at your feet along with their own selves!

7. Get a few dumb white middle-aged women to join the course. Indians always think that if the white people are doing it, it must be the right thing to do.

8. If above steps are followed properly, you can get donations from foolish devotees and open an ashram at a quiet place on a large piece of property. Build your own mini palace. Call it 'oneness centre', ' Shanti dham' or any such name and set yourself up for life!! People will come to visit you and the money keeps rolling in.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

In the end, there were none!

This is a must read.

Seems like it is straight out of an R.K. Narayan story. Oh! the irony of it all. Paris gives a 100$ note to a roadside beggar woman, who gives it to her relatives, who squabble over it and tear it to pieces.
This is perfect story for a television series or a short film.

The question is, how were the media there at the right instant to photograph Paris giving money to the beggar? Funny, no?

The communist reflects!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Aisa kya hai Masala Maggi mein?

Women are very picky nowadays. Gone is the age when they used to look for the thoughtful, kind and importantly, rich man. Nowadays, women are quite rich themselves. As far as thoughtful and kind is concerned; well, when has a man ever been thoughtful or kind towards a woman (other than his wife) unless he wants to sleep with her? All that women seem to look for in a man is a good body. This phenomenon is fueled by visuals of fit Bollywood heroes who strip down as effortlessly for a maa-beta scene as they do for a fight sequence.

Basically, if you aren't fit, you aren't getting any. This is a situation which requires undivided attention and immediate action as far as sexually motivated individuals like yours truly are concerned. In fact, I have become so paranoid that I make sure to read the nutrition information given at the back of each packet of milk, biscuits, cereals and other assorted foods. Coffee has given way to green tea at the office coffee machine, even though I am of the opinion that green tea tastes like warm diluted sewage. My morning starts with a bowl of oats, which look and feel like baby vomit. But I endure the torture of all this plus a grueling fitness regime because I need some. Badly.

It's late, and I am sitting with a bowl of Maggi noodles in my hands. I have no desire to cook for myself after late workdays, and the instant noodles are a savior. Plus they have been a childhood favorite. When I switch on the TV, there is an Ad for Maggi. It goes : 'Aisa kya hai meri masala maggi mein?'

Honestly, I never bothered to check that. But my latest fitness paranoia  made me flip the pack to find out what Masala maggi contains after all? Well, a little bit of high-tech research (read google-ing) gives the following results:

The noodles contain : Maida, oil, salt, wheat gluten , guar gum (thickening agent) and Mineral 170i (calcium)

In short, the noodles have carbs, fat and added calcium.
The flavoring has 13.4% of spices. The rest of it contains:

* Garlic and onion powder
* Hydrolysed groundnut protein
* Sugar
* Vegetable Oil
* Edible starch
* Guar gum
* Mineral (508) - Potassium Chloride
* Acidifying agent (330) - Citric acid
* Flavor enhancer (635) - Disodium 5'-ribonucleotides (click on link to read more)
* Raising agent (500(ii)) - Sodium carbonates 

So aisa kya hai meri masala maggi mein? Well, a whole load of empty calories, that's what!

But what the hell, it is fast, easy and tasty! And it creates an illusion that you have actually cooked something yourself instead of buying stuff from outside.

And healthy? Well, it does seem to contain calcium, potassium and groundnut protein (This is actually added to improve flavor and texture. not for nutrition.). And that's how I brainwash myself into thinking that the stuff is actually good for me as I reach for another pack of meri Masala Maggi!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Indian Institute of Devdas (and other forlorn and depressed creatures)

Yes, I am flogging a dead horse. The collective voice of the nation has gone hoarse discussing the suicides at premier institutes of higher education in India. I shall do the same! I am going to be totally insensitive while I move with the herd- please find below a non-exhaustive table of suicides in IIT's and IIM's this year:

I am aware that nobody would have given a rat's ass if these students were not from IIT's or IIM's. Students from all over India, from large and small institutes alike, take their own lives in alarming numbers. Of course it is always an impulsive reaction. Part of the blame lies on the age of the individual. After all, we are like that when we are in our teens and tweens- Impulsive, naive and vulnerable.

As far as students from the IIT's and IIM's are concerned:  You have been a top student from your school days. You burnt midnight oil to get into a top institution. Your marks are sufficient for every premier institution to open its doors for you. You have probably not faced too many setbacks in life. 

How can such a person handle failure when it comes unexpectedly? When the top student discovers that studying engineering is something totally different from passing that entrance exam; he falters, but naturally.

Your friends idolize you and your family adores you. You are placed on a pedestal by every Indian Pappu. You are the apple of everyone's eyes. Everyone wants to be your friend. How can such a person handle rejection in love?
On top of that, there is the highly competitive atmosphere of the institutes which doesn't help things at all.

Point is, if you can't handle things like these, then I am sorry my friend, you are just not fit for the game that is life. This Pappu is usually not philosophical. But it saddens me to see young people, who have worked so hard to get to places where most of us only dream to reach, taking their own life on being faced with setbacks.

Strange are the ways of the invisible man in the sky. He makes them intelligent. He makes them industrious. But he forgets to give them resilience, which, after all , is more important than anything else.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Fasting Trends

It's the latest fad in India. Follow it, and it is almost guaranteed to make you a celebrity overnight. Well, in most cases if not all. It helps if you are already quite well known because then, it will add to your repertoire. If you are not so well-known then you may garner anything ranging from instant fame to absolute indifference.It's worth a try any which way. Just pick an issue which is irking the public at large (there are a variety of them to choose from) and go and do a dharna/anshan somewhere. Prepare your slogans, clear your voice and if possible, get a few heckled supporters to join you as well. Yes, it's that easy.

If there is a trend, there has to be a top-five. So joining the top-five bikinis/mini-skirts/distressed jeans is a list of top-five fasts. Here goes.

1. Anna Hazare - Fast Fame

This is the one that started it all. The great Indian public, which is troubled to no end with corruption, high-prices, inflation, terror etc. needed a mouthpiece to vent its anger. And lo, Anna appeared as if sent by God himself. The multitudes joined him in the protest for the now famous Lokpal bill. Which seems to be getting somewhere, after all. Or so we'd like to think. After the terror attacks and more fasts by more people, the media seems to have forgotten about the Lokpal. So has our public. But this one deserves the No.1 spot, that's for sure. We got to know that there is somebody called Anna Hazare and there is actually something called the Lokpal bill at least.

 2. Swami Nigamananda - Fast oblivion

When some of the protesters at Anna's rally were asked as to why the Lokpal bill was so important, they responded with confused answers and equally baffled expressions on their faces. Well, who's concerned as to what the bill does? We want to protest and we will, so there!
I am sure most of us will think of sex scandals and visualize petty starlets having a romp in bed with saffron-clad men when we hear of 'Nigamananda'. To the confused, this swami is different from my spiritual guide Nithyananda, of the Ranjitha fame.
This swami (idiot) was on a fast against the pollution in the Ganga (who cares, that river is as clean as a gutter. Holy, my ass!). The best part was that he died fasting! The even better part was that nobody cared. This shows that you have to pick a proper issue when choosing to stage an anshan. Nigamananda does not deserve the number 2 spot, but I am giving it to him because he died. This tribute on this unknown blog is the most he will get after all.

3. Irom Sharmila- Fast FAIL

Who? What? Sharmila Tagore? Where?

Are the few reactions that this name elicits. This is a woman who is demanding the removal of the AFSPA from Manipur. Some of her relatives were killed by the army, and so she has been on a fast since the past eleven-odd years. Yes, you heard right, eleven years. She is being force-fed to keep her alive since so many years. Methinks that's what the funny tube up her nose is for. This is another case of fasting for a cause that the majority does not care about. I mean, most of us from the rest of India can hardly pinpoint Manipur on the map. The whole of the north-East is a geographical confusion and we usually show interest only in the case of earthquakes and such. God only knows why she is still alive. Poor girl.

4. Narendra Modi/Vaghela - Fast Savvy

Why he chose to fast in the first place, nobody knows. But the desired effects have been achieved. The media went ballistic, Modi got the much-needed fillip among the masses and the power of fasting as a trend has been demonstrated to great effect. In the battle of the fasts, Congress leader Shankar Vaghela started a counter-fast against Modi's sadbhavana fast. This one was a five-star fast. There was an air-conditioned hall, celeb visits and media blitzkrieg. This one deserves a position on this list because it demonstrates the power of fasts even when you are fasting for no specific reason.

5. Baba Ramdev - Gender-bender Fast

He tried the fast-for-no-apparent-reason tactic too, albeit with different results than the one by Mr. Sadbhavna. One of the 'reasons' for the fast was the billions of Indian money stashed in Swiss banks. It ended in the swami dressing up in drag and trying to escape the cops. In an apparent case of the 'aa bail mujhe maar' syndrome, there were investigations conducted against the Yoga-man and his ashram. There have been reports of financial-funny business in his organization and the swami has been subdued ever since. He still merits a place in this list because he dared to dress in a salwar kameez.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Pakistan to the rescue!

'Which country can do more for your peace?' Asks an ad by the Pak Government in the American wall street journal. I don't know whether to laugh or cry owing to an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards our brave neighbors. The ad claims that Pakistan has done more for peace than any other country. This, apparently has been achieved by eliminating some of its own populace, an uncomfortable number of whom aspire to become suicide bombers even as I type this.

So basically, the Pakis are tom-tomming about saving the world from... er... themselves.

'More than a dozen assassination plots against the President and the Prime minister foiled!' Claims the ad. 
Pray, tell us, who were the ones who hatched the plots in the first place? And how did that help the rest of the world? If one of your leaders died, another would have replaced him anyway. We wouldn't have given a rat's ass. We are busy protecting our own borders from Pak trained militancy and internal terrorist agencies. Or so we'd like to believe until the next bomb blast.

The only difference is that we don't claim that we are the watchdogs of the world, when we kill our own miscreants!

Basically, the message of the Ad is: Look! If we hadn't killed our own people (who, incidentally, have been trained by us to kill your people) you would have been killed.We saved your asses from ourselves so now show some gratitude!'

I am overwhelmed by emotion at this show of bravery and selflessness by our neighbors. I dedicate this song to them, out of gratitude.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Sexy of the week!

I plan to post videos, pictures and other material which I find sexy. A weekly process, this will lead to the expansion of the intellect and flow of positive energy.

This week's sexy comes from my spiritual mentor. Swami Nithyananda.

Nothing more needs to be said, watch and feel erotic!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Indian black money in Swiss banks? Think again!

From time to time, the opposition party and other insignificant people raise a hue and cry about Indian black money stashed away in Swiss banks.
Then they say that the money has to be brought back from Switzerland, as if that is the panacea to all of India's problems. I mean, we can't even bring to task the terrorist organizations in our neighboring Pakistan, we have a bunch of Naxals and Maoists running rampant in our own country, and we want to bring back Swiss bank money!!

But you know what, Indian black money is in really safe hands, or rather, heads. Have a look at this:

This is the crown of the lord Venkateshwara of Tirupati. It was donated by the corrupt Janardhana Reddy , who is currently languishing in jail for his involvement in a mining scam. Studded with diamonds and one giant emerald, it is reportedly worth 45 crores!!

The devotees of Balaji are now protesting to get the crown removed from the temple premises as it is 'tainted' by corruption.

I want to ask the devotees a few questions. Did they not already know that the Reddy brothers were corrupt? Janardhana Reddy has never received a college education and he has been involved in politics. Within a decade he has been able to amass enough wealth to donate a 45 crore ornament to the idol of Balaji. Do I need to say more?

Such money can come out of legitimate business only if you are Mark Zukerberg or some other computer genius. Obviously Reddy had aptitude in other areas than computers and clearly, the devotees are not fools to not see through this.

So why protest now? Let the money remain with Balaji. Imagine the amount of money that could be there on our temple idols across India! A lot of it could be black as well. Why look towards Switzerland when we have given our black money in divine hands for safekeeping?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Not again!!

Blasts in Delhi high court. What to write about it? There will be another round of heated discussions on the telly. Fake sorrow expressed by global leaders and 'condolence' messages from people we don't care about. Political leaders will make funny statements with fancy phrases like 'never-die spirit' and other such inane words strung together.

At least, this time we know who did it because they have apparently claimed responsibility. Case in point, we are still clueless about the last set of blasts in Bombay.

The most ridiculous thing is the reason behind the blasts. Reportedly, the perpetrators want a mercy petition to be granted to terrorist Afzal Guru. I mean, what's the point? Why is he useful to anyone now?

Clearly, this is nothing more than an attack on India, its judicial system and the soft stance that we take with regards to Islamic terrorism (or any other kind of terrorism) in India.

The big reason that there have been no terrorist attacks of note in the US after 9/11 is that the US sent a clear message to the perpetrators - 'If you dare to attack the US, be ready for total destruction and chaos in your country.'

We need to send a similar message to the terrorists (Internal or external) who so audaciously conduct such operations in India. Merely strengthening the internal security system is not enough. The morale of the terrorists has to be broken.

Moreover, this is what happens when you keep delaying the death sentence of a convicted terrorist. What next, a blast requesting the mercy petition of Kasab?

As usual, the drama will unfold. News channels have found new fodder after the Anna Hazare case and  there will be more discussions while terrorist groups across the border work overtime to execute the next dastardly act.Within the next one month, this will die down and people will be back to work until the next bomb blast.

Sad. I just hope they execute that terrorist at least. ASAP. Not that it will change anything, but at least to assuage the anger of the people.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Prophetess of Doom

I find it hard to believe how she is still alive. Arundhati Roy I mean. A normal human being does not live off the feeling of negativity as much as she does. If I were so pessimistic, I would shrivel and wither away in a few months, but she seems to thrive on it. Give her a glass half-full and ask her opinions about it and rest assured that she won't say whether the glass is half full or half empty. Take my word for it, she will start from that glass of water, go on about water pollution, jump to the pitfalls of a democratic government, leapfrog to tyrannical regimes all around the world and then in an extreme move of all-encompassing pessimism, she will finish by predicting the doom of India.

I don't know if it is coincidence or not. But she garners publicity by writing exactly the opposite of popular opinion. When the Maoist terrorism surged, she supported the Maoists and called them Gandhians. When the Kashmiris protested, she waxed eloquent about how Kashmir was not an 'integral part' of India.

I don't know how many of us have read her booker prize winning novel (which was a good story. Pessimistic, but who doesn't love a tragedy?) But she must be famous in Kashmir and probably the Maoists are her fans too, now.

In her latest attempt at feeding off negativity, the author has written this article about Anna Hazare. The woman strikes on time and with precision. Now we shall witness how the people of India adorn her with epithets (bitch, kutti!!).

But you know what, she has raised relevant questions. I mean, we already do have agencies for the control of corruption. I am sure that the lokpal will create some fear among the hearts of our corrupt netas but what is the guarantee that it won't become another lame institution.

Imagine the complaints the lokpal will get. From the biggest neta to the common chaprasi, all are corrupt. The lokpal will be inundated with the sheer amount of complaints! I sure wouldn't want to be working with the lokpal because it will be hell. Forget the neta and the chaprasi. Let's look at ourselves. Have we never given a bribe? Have we never been involved in corruption ourselves? If you say no to those questions, then you cannot be Indian. Moreover, what is the guarantee that the people who are part of the lokpal won't be corrupt?

We must ask ourselves: will we not give a bribe and 'handle the situation' the next time we get caught jumping the traffic signal? Will we fight with the policeman or ring up the lokpal? Of course we won't! . Because we are Indians and giving chai-paani to the policeman is easier than dealing with anti-corruption bureaucracy!

P.S: Arundhati looked quite sexy when she was young (in pic). I wouldn't have minded having sex with her. But then, I wouldn't want her to open her mouth to speak either. It would be silent sex. She would kill any feeling of sexual arousal if she was allowed to open her mouth and speak!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Community sex 4 u

Recently saw an ad on the telly for community matrimony dot com. The name is self explanatory, it is a matrimonial site for people to look for partners and prospective spouses for their kids from their own caste.

I often wonder, why did Indians create so many communities among themselves? I mean, how different is one Indian from another? OK, OK so the North Indians are a bit fairer than the South Indians and as usual, I am ignoring the North-East who don't look Indians anyway. We have the same attitudes towards life, similar garlic-onion-chilly-spices laden food and the ability to breed like rabbits!

Our leaders and reformers worked tirelessly to uplift the lower castes and rid the country of the caste system. But we all know the truth. I mean, all you need to do is to open the matrimonial column of the newspapers and the caste system is on display in all its naked glory.

Maybe the solution to all of this is sex. Inter-caste sex. We may not be able to marry with a different community, but at least we can have a lot of sex amongst ourselves. I mean, we all have similar equipment between our legs, thank God. It's not that a Brahmin has  forward privates and the Shudra has backward ones.

So I think the solution would be to have sex with a person of a different community. Sex is about touching each other, feeling each other, smelling each other and tasting each other. When we do that with a person of another community, we will learn that the feel of the body of a Sharma is not so different from that of an Agarwal which is not so different from that of a Mahajan which is not so different from that of a Meena and so on and so forth. And when we realize through the joy of sex that we are not so different, we will be able to alleviate the pain of the wretched caste system to some extent. I think all the youth of India should engage in such activities of inter caste harmony to rid the country of the social evil.

But I shudder to think what would happen if the caste system spreads its tentacles into the sex lives of people. Imagine what porn websites could turn into :,,,,,

Sigh, I think we are better off with after all!!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Boom! we cry. Bang! we forget. Bladaboom! we move on...

In the recent mess of scams that the UPA government is facing, the latest blasts at Mumbai have been forgotten. As usual there was the hue and cry at the beginning, and now we don't give two hoots to who committed the crime. I mean, at least let's have someone to blame!

Last time, we had the Pakis to blame, this time the perpetrators of the crime are yet a mystery. They kill more than a score of our people, and we don't give two hoots.

It's just that we are so unconcerned. Nobody's bothered anymore. People want to do their business, earn money, have sex, produce kids and move on. Nobody is bothered about a bomb blast in the financial capital of the country as long as one's own requirements of roti, kapda, makaan and sex are met. Quite pathetic really, and the most pathetic thing is, probably nobody will read this rant on this blog either. Sad.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Davy Jones' Locker gets a new visitor

Yes, that's right. The internet has been abuzz with the reports of the death of Osamaji and his suspicious 'sea burial'. The news of his death came as a surprise, the sea burial was even more surprising. The only thing that wasn't startling at all was that Osama was found in Pakistan. We Indians knew it all along, after all. See, Mr. Obama, your pet dog was harboring and protecting a parasite, we told you so!

But Pappu is not convinced. Had they shown a proper video of Osama being killed, or at least some gruesome, grisly, mutilated remains of his body; I would have believed the first black President of the USA. But no, no video, no pictures, only an insignificant video with flippant comments from Obamaji. The rest of the already fishy affair goes to the fishes with Osama's body. Very, very fishy Mr. Obama.

Most of the Muslim world and a quarter of America already believes that 9/11 was an inside job. Just as 90% of Pakistan believes that Ajmal Kasab was actually Ranjit Singh from some obscure pind in Indian Punjab.

Now we have fodder for more conspiracy theories. 90% of the Muslim world will now speculate on two things:

1. Osama was killed ten years ago. As America has done with looting Afghanistan and plundering Iraq, they are releasing the news now.

2. Osama is not dead.

Whatever be the case, at least this Indian Pappu is not buying a word of what Obamaji is saying until they release a proper grisly video/pic.
I am depressed that America is better than India at everything (Except peeing/crapping in the open and creating filth on the roads. That nobody can beat us at.). They even lie better than our own Indian politicians!! Sonia/ Mannuji Kuchch seekho Obama se!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Anna Hazare aagey badho!! Hum tumhare saath hain!!

Yes, hum tumhare saath hain. But until when? It's been three days and Sonia madame and her cronies show no signs of relenting. Maybe because if they do, the all-powerful ombudsman of the lok-pal bill will send them to the cooler pronto. Maybe if the Lokpal bill comes into effect, it will start an involuntary jail bharo campaign of epic proportions and then the politicians in jail will legally eat up that tax money that they are illegally guzzling now. Anyway, anyhow, term it a media circus or a people's revolution. Something is happening which is more interesting than sex, albeit mildly so. If we cannot go on hunger strike at least we can support him. Mini-protest vigils are mushrooming all over the country, and I am going to take time off my busy ... ahem... schedule to join in.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Goodbye Uncle Pai

The world is so busy with Earthquakes, Corruption, Wikileaks and Arab world protests that something momentous has been overlooked. I recently realized that Uncle Pai is dead. This leaves me saddened to no end.

Dear Uncle Pai,

If you are able to read this from wherever you are right now, please know that your creations: Amar Chitra Katha and Tinkle have been an integral part of my childhood. At a time when I actually wasn't concerned in the least bit about sex. Thanks a ton for innumerable moments and colorful times spent in the company of Shikari Shambu, Suppandi, Kalia the crow, Doob Doob and heroes and heroines from Indian mythology and history. I know this is pretty late for a lament, dear Uncle, so accept my humble apologies. May children continue to revel in the picture books created by you for a long, long time to come.

Thank you,

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The great Indian dream

We denizens of third world developing countries have often heard about the great American dream. You know, the pursuit of happiness and all that jazz. I often wonder what the great Indian dream is. Is it to become a business magnate like the Ambanis and Birlas? Is it to become a malicious politician with enough clout to mess with each and every law in the country? Is it to become a Bollywood star and shimmy your way to international fame? The answer, obviously, is a big, fat NO.

The great dream of the Indian Pappu is, putting it simply, to get to America and become American. Or get to the UK and become English. Or to Australia or New Zealand or Canada or Ireland or Germany or whatever developed country and become a citizen. As soon as we are a considerable number in the foreign land, we try to create a mini Punjab, Andhra or Tamil Nadu- Punjabi unions, Tamil committee, Telugu association, Tamil Brahmin cultural congregation and so on and so forth. The "Gelf" is akin to motherland for the Mallus, the US is Telugu and Tamil territory and "Kaneda" is infested with Punjabis.

Our hypocrisy is so ingrained that we keep struggling to get a citizenship in the developed countries while singing praises about "Indian culture" and shouting "Bharat Mata ki Jai". Personally, I find nothing wrong with being a bit of a hypocrite. I mean, it is getting FDI into our country and it is helping the emigrants get beautiful wives and enough dowry. So what could be wrong? Moreover, most PG students in the US are foreign nationals wanting to escape their own third world country. So why single out the Indians?

In a recent news report, Telugu students of one bogus "Tri-Valley university" have been tagged with radio trackers on their ankles. The news reports say that the students were conned and are not guilty of illegal immigration. I reckon that the news report is trying to con its readers. We all know that Telugu people have an irrepressible determination to live in America. It is a popular pastime in gongura-land to eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils, while plotting how to migrate to America. After migrating to America, they join the local Telugu union. Then they eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils while plotting how to get an American citizenship. Basically, anybody who has interacted with Andhraites can tell that they can give their right arm, go gay and even give up their gongura pachadi for a year in order to live in the US.

Besides, one look at the website of the university and any idiot can understand that it is a sub-standard degree factory. There is no possibility that anyone was tricked into getting admission into that university. The fact that 95% of its students were Telugu is enough to understand that they were getting into the sham knowingly.

What is funny is, why is this being made into a big issue? We have been doing this for years, one way or the other. Only difference is, that this time we were caught doing hanky-panky in a large group. If two people are caught having sex in public, it becomes a joke. If it is an orgy, it becomes a scandal.

Everyone knows that many Indian and Paki students get admits to universities in the UK and then go to work without a work permit. The same thing happens in America. Many Punjabis stage marriages complete with Patiala pegs and chicken-shikan to get to developed countries on spouse visas. So what's the big deal? All roads lead to Rome, and if you stop us from traveling on one road, we'll take a detour and reach the land of dreams via another. Ha! How smart we are.

Currently, our foreign minister Krishna is making the right noises in the media. The US has conceded to a 'case to case' investigation to ascertain whether the students are guilty or not. Unless the students are deported, they will definitely find their way into another institute and continue living the great Indian dream.

And the radio tags? Oh, those are the unfortunate few who caught the eyes of the investigators. In all possibility, they are coming back to the land of the Tirupati laddoo.

Meanwhile in Hyderabad, in an baffling display of extreme levels of human pigheadeness, the All India Student's Federation protested against the Tri-valley university. This shows that we Indians only need an excuse to protest. I mean, protest against a sham university that is about to be closed down? WTF!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Arabian Daze

It has been a couple of days since I have been seeing the reports of the unrest in Tunisia, Egypt and nearly all of the Arab world on the first page of the newspaper. Yes, believe it or not I read the newspaper as well, besides watching TV and thinking about sex. It is completely beyond my understanding as to why they are revolting. My opinion of the Arabs is just like any other Indian Pappu's. It goes somewhat like this.

The Arab world, is a land of sheiks in flowing white nightgowns with their women in flowing black nightgowns . There is no water in the desert lands, but strangely, if you strike the ground it spouts black gold. This makes the sheiks filthy rich. Rich enough for greedy and unemployed Malayalee omanakuttys, poor Philipino Chinese, Bangladeshi Pakis and other poor people of other nationalities to work as household help, cab drivers, engineers etc. etc. 
Besides oil, the Arabs pay attention to only one thing and that is religion. Or rather religions. That is, besides their own religion, they pay attention to the people of any and every other religion and brand them 'Kuffars' or 'Infidels'. Apart from this, I know that they drink camel milk. I am also curious as to how many of the Arabs will turn up if I go to a crowded Arab market and shout out for 'Mohamed'. I know my analysis of the Arabs is accurate.

Anyway, the newspaper reports said something about a 'Mohamed' who is Tunisian, a fruit stall wallah and he immolated himself because his fruit stall was shut down by a female Government servant. Mohamed was high on debt and did not have any other means to survive, so he immolated himself. This, apparently, was the last straw. The Tunisian people revolted against their dictator leader and sent him packing to Saudi Arabia. This, was because they believed that the leader (His name is quite difficult to type and pronounce) is responsible for corruption, unemployment and hunger in their country.

I was like, wow. The death of a fruit stall vendor leads to a country (CountrieS, to be precise.) erupting in revolt! How cool is that! Following the example of Mohamed fruitstallwalla, other Mohamed's and Ali's in other Arab countries started immolating and electrocuting themselves. This led to protests in Algeria, Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Jordan, Mauritania and other Arab countries. I never even knew there were these many Arab countries to start with.

Here in India, corruption is so rampant that we accept it as we accept the task of visiting the loo daily. I don't know about fruit stall vendors, but we hear of farmer suicides on a fortnightly basis. Nobody bothers as long as we get our roti, daal and subzi at reasonable prices. And when the prices of roti, dal and subzi go through the roof, we blame Sonia and Mannu at the centre and then we go to office and make a friend pay for lunch. Ha. How clever we are!

The Arabs are idiots. Why go to all those lengths, protesting and all. Learn the eternal truth from the infidels, you stupid Arabs. Today you are being raped by one Mohamed/Ali/Husain, the minute you send him off, another Mohamed/Ali/Husain will ravage you. Then another fruit vendor will kill himself and then there will be protests and then.... get the drift? 

They should follow the Indian system, these Arabs. Blame the Mohamed or Ali at the head of the Government and then go to work. God will take care of the rest. Inshallah, as they say in the Arab world.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Memoirs of a free slave- Uno

I am a free citizen of India. But I often feel enslaved. Enslaved in the sexual sense. This happens everyday, on weekdays and sometimes on weekends. Often from eight in the morning to seven in the evening. I try to console myself and I often have conversations with my inner Pappu. Excerpts from a conversation we had last night.

Inner Pappu: Stop touching yourself and get a life, loser.

Me: Fuck off! It is not easy to get sex always! You try getting laid each night. And anyway, I DO have a life.

Inner Pappu: (guffaws heartily) You have a life? YOU? You are nothing but a lowlife slave who pawns his ass everyday for a pittance.

Me: That is not slavery. It is called a job. And anyway, I earn more money than my parents ever earned in their time, mind you.

Inner Pappu: Do something. Take all that money, roll it up and shove it up where the sun don't shine!

Me: But why? Why oh why?

Inner Pappu: Because you sell yourself for peanuts, that's why! Your money is not exactly helping you get laid and here you are, pleasuring yourself when you could have been out having fun.

Me: Oh please, I don't do that. I abhor sex for money! I am ethical and I have mora...

Inner Pappu: You dipshit! What was that you did in Thailand during your on-site trip then?

Me: That was a spiritual massage. And anyway, if I go out having fun, who goes to office tomorrow? Tera baap?

Inner Pappu: Your spirit seems to be between your legs then, asshole. And you don't seem to be getting any kind of nirvana at that spot of late.

Me: You are right, I do feel spiritually disconnected nowadays. That is why I am trying self-therapy.

Inner Pappu. Losers like you can only do that! I know you have something for Neena in the cubicle next to yours, I do.

Me: Thanks for reminding me of  her. Ooooh Neeenaaaah!

Inner Pappu: You piece of shit! Stop touching yourself this instant. Think of the bitch, she knows you have something for Neena too!

Me: (losing concentration) Crap! why did you have to remind me of my bitch of a boss! I was thinking of Neena. Now I see only Raji's bloated self calling me for a meeting whenever I try to talk to Neena.

Inner Pappu: You should be a little discreet. She is bound to call you for meetings and more if you keep staring at Neena like a malnourished African child stares at food. You know she is trying to shift you to another division.

Me: Yes. I do get that feeling. That bald husband of hers isn't treating her well these days, it seems. She is sexually frustrated, that's why she keeps calling me at odd times.

Inner Pappu: Methinks she likes BDSM. She must be a dominatrix, she likes control.

Me: That husband of hers looks like a slave type anyway.

Inner Pappu: You do too you slave! 'Raji, when would you like this done? Oh yes Raji, of course it will be done by tomorrow. Absolutely, I will finish it by Saturday. Sorry Raji,....'

Me: Shut up you idiot. I don't do that.

Inner Pappu: Yes you do. You are a slave. That cow Raji is your mistress and she loooooves whipping your ass on a daily basis.

Me: (trying hard to concentrate) Shut up! Shut up! OOOohhhhh Neeenaaaah!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Jessica killed it

What do you get when you have a good script based on a pertinent issue, two able leading artists, good editing and direction, and appropriate music? A good film, obviously. In this case, we had another important element that makes the audience go to watch a movie- good publicity- with Rani and Vidya 'kissing' each other at every press do.

'No one killed Jessica' is far cry from the silly publicity stunts of the two leading actresses. It is a hard-hitting piece of cinema, under the able direction of Ram Kumar Gupta. Gupta, who directed the critically acclaimed 'Aamir' uses a similar style of narration as he did for his earlier film. The scenes shift between various time lines, places and different characters, all blending into one seamless sequence of events. 

The audience knows about the famous Jessica Lall case and its outcome. But hardly does anyone have an idea as to what exactly went on in the court proceedings. We don't know how the media played their part in conducting exposés to uncover the sheet of lies shrouding the case. It is these aspects that the director chooses to concentrate on instead of getting into overt melodrama to make an impact. A tight script sans frills and fine characterization enhances the impact of the movie.

Vidya Balan is apt in her role as Sabrina Lall. But the character of Meera Gaity, executed with panache by Rani Mukherjee' takes the cake. Rani plays the ruthless bitch of a reporter with aplomb and makes us fall as much in love with her character as Vidya manages to tug on our heartstrings with Sabrina's portrayal.

The casting team has to be commended for their choice of the leads and their choice for the character of Jessica - Myra Karn- who resembles Jessica a lot and does a passable job in portraying her as well.

All in all, this movie will make you a part of the candlelight vigil for Jessica, even while you sit watching the movie on the screen. A good start to the new year and a must watch as well.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sex killed the Bollywood love story

Recently I saw an old Hindi movie- Dil. There was a time when love in Hindi movies was ideal. There used to be a poor boy, rich girl and true love between them. Obviously they never showed sexual relations between them, as the love was intended to be 'pure'. Even making out was symbolic, with the screen blurring as soon as the lead pair got their faces closer. The next shot used to be two flowers bumping against each other.

The boy, though poor, was idealistic. He was honest, just, clear of conscience and seemingly asexual. And yet the girl liked him, which is very unusual. The girl would be rich, sheltered and a free spirit. Until the poor guy 'tames' her and she falls head over heels in love with him. No dialogue would be complete with a kasme-vaade, saat janmon ka saath, saccha pyaar, jaan de doonga/doongi type of lines. The lovers often used to be star crossed, with the parents opposing the marriage and the guy and girl trying to elope. Heavy duty dialogues and romantic song routines in the hills of Switzerland were the order of the day.

When their parents don't allow Madhuri and Aamir to marry in the movie, Aamir barges into Madhuri's house, breaks a wooden stool, sets fire to it and they do the saat pheras around it! Moreover, the ritual was complete with Aamir cutting his thumb and using the blood as sindoor to bharo-fy Madhuri's maang. How cool is that?!

It is sad that we cannot have such things in our movies nowadays. The men are reduced to health magazine models. The women are reduced to glittery stick insects in shimmery costumes and fashion labels. Love is reduced to something mechanical that happens when the lead pair is done with sampling the variety on offer. That is so boring. So mechanical. So tasteless. And so (unfortunately) real.

The kasme-vaade brand of love is something to be celebrated. It exists in fiction only, but it is so beautiful to see it materialize on screen. I appeal to any good Indian filmmaker to bring it back to the silver screen. Sex is mundane (though de-stressing in a way). Real love is boring and has too many hassles as compared to sex. We need the Yash Chopra brand of Bollywood amour back on the 70mm. Now only if someone listens. Until then, we always have YouTube to take us back to that wonderful age.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Kitty Party with Karan

I tune in to the Star World channel only for the Koffee with Karan show. I have never understood the jokes they crack in F.R.I.E.N.D.S and no, I don't watch 24 (I think these are the other shows that air on Star World, I may be wrong.). Basically I have never understood firangi daily soaps. I love our very own scripted 'reality' shows and news channels, which are no less than the reality shows as far as drama is concerned. About Karan's show, I love all of the affected, self-righteous, glamorous, haughty and very full-of-themselves Bollywood stars and starlets. I love their banter and I love Karan's style of bringing in his friends, having a friendly conversation in front of the camera and making pot loads of money out of it. I sometimes wish I could leave my job at my MNC- which gives me nothing more than a whole load of sexual frustration- and start a Kofee/Chai/Biscuit with Pappu show, where I can call my friends, talk rubbish and create substantial amount of greenery in the bank. But maybe you have the license to do that only if you make terrible movies like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and My name is Khan, which appeal only to the sophisticated tastes of the brainless NRI, and large dysfunctional family audiences.

Anyway, last week, it was the turn of Amit uncle to be on the show. Amit uncle bought in his daughter, Shweta aunty with him. Unfortunately, Shweta aunty has been given a raw deal by the big G above in the heavens. She looks like the female version of the big B, which is not saying much about her looks. Moreover, she is a nobody and gets called to kitty party with Karan only because she is Amit uncle's daughter. Going by her responses to Karan's questions, she doesn't seem bright in the least as well. I expected the big B to compensate for her presence by being his usual witty self, but no. Uncle disappointed me with his thanda answers as well. Overall, it was a boring episode of Kitty party with Karan.

This week it is the turn of Karan's big brother/alleged gay lover Shahrukh Khan. Whether the man is a good actor or not is disputed, but he surely is one smart cookie for making the right friends in Bollywood (Yash uncle and Karan Johar). Also, the man is witty. I am waiting eagerly to tune in tomorrow!

Veena ki jawani

I am sad. Very sad. I have been following the informative and useful TV show- Bigg Boss Season 4- for quite a while now. Who is interested in watching a 40+ Salman, a dumb Khali, the perpetually preggers, foul mouthed Dolly or any of the other mundane contestants? The real interest in the show was actually kindled by our Pakistani guest- Veena Malik.

She has been evicted and the madness in the show seems to have gone out with her. I have never seen a woman who is as off her rocker, full of herself and as manipulative as Veena Malik. I love women who know exactly what they want and act as if they don't know anything. Veena Malik is definitely that kind of a woman. She knew that nobody knew her this side of the border except for her liaisons with some obscure Paki cricketer. So she made sure that people got to know by first indulging in petty skirmishes and then flirting with the guy she had fought with. Then, all of a sudden, she got physical in public with Ashmit Patel.
I think that was the EUREKA! moment. Both Veena and Ashmit knew that if anything would work with the public, it was this. If both of them have anything worthwhile to talk about themselves, it has to be their looks. Veena has a bit of acting talent as well. Ashmit is wooden on and off screen.

Rakhi Sawant has lost her touch of crassness and her ill-mannered tamashas on the telly have become a bit repetitive. Her loud-mouthed antics and main-hoon-bhartiya-naari proclamations with silicone boobs popping out all the while have become old hat. We need new mad women on TV who can shout, cry, wail, complain and do all the drama to provide us some wholesome entertainment. We need to outsource the bitch of the Indian idiot box! We need Veena Malik!