Thursday, October 6, 2011

How to take a Hindu for a ride

 It's easy, really. Hinduism says that God is in everyone and everything and everywhere. So all you need to do is declare that you are... ahem... God.

Steps to follow:

1. Avoid all visits to the barber/hairdresser and develop a morbid hatred for combs, hair gel, mousse and any other grooming product. Let your bushes, thickets and forests grow unabated regardless of what part of the body they are taking root on.

2. Empty your wardrobe of normal clothing. Wear orange/white flowing nightgowns instead. Underwear is optional.

3. Create a spiritual sounding name. The following formula can be used to achieve desired results:

'Sri' * n + 'Swami' + <insert Hindu name>+ 'ananda/dev' + 'baba'


'Sri'*3 + 'Swami' + Mohan +'ananda' + 'baba' = Sri sri sri Swami Mohanananda baba!!

Easy peasy!

4. Memorize a few words like 'mimamsa', 'sankhya', 'dwaita', 'advaita' and spout them out at irregular intervals. It doesn't matter whether you know the meaning of these words or not. Those idiots listening to you won't have any idea either.

5. Learn a few petty magic tricks, like materializing ash from your hands and feet, stones from your mouth etc. If you manage to grow a plant from your nose, you will reach baba super stardom. This has not been achieved yet. The field is still open for the next swami sensation.

6. Take a few common yoga asanas, add to that a few breathing techniques, mix in a few motivational speeches and viola! You have your own 7 day spiritual course costing a few thousand rupees. Now advertise the aforesaid course and watch the bored and the depressed throw their hard earned-moolah at your feet along with their own selves!

7. Get a few dumb white middle-aged women to join the course. Indians always think that if the white people are doing it, it must be the right thing to do.

8. If above steps are followed properly, you can get donations from foolish devotees and open an ashram at a quiet place on a large piece of property. Build your own mini palace. Call it 'oneness centre', ' Shanti dham' or any such name and set yourself up for life!! People will come to visit you and the money keeps rolling in.

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