Pakistan to the rescue!

'Which country can do more for your peace?' Asks an ad by the Pak Government in the American wall street journal. I don't know whether to laugh or cry owing to an overwhelming sense of gratitude towards our brave neighbors. The ad claims that Pakistan has done more for peace than any other country. This, apparently has been achieved by eliminating some of its own populace, an uncomfortable number of whom aspire to become suicide bombers even as I type this.

So basically, the Pakis are tom-tomming about saving the world from... er... themselves.

'More than a dozen assassination plots against the President and the Prime minister foiled!' Claims the ad. 

Pray, tell us, who were the ones who hatched the plots in the first place? And how did that help the rest of the world? If one of your leaders died, another would have replaced him anyway. We wouldn't have given a rat's ass. We are busy protecting our own borders from Pak trained militancy and internal terrorist agencies. Or so we'd like to believe until the next bomb blast.

The only difference is that we don't claim that we are the watchdogs of the world, when we kill our own miscreants!

Basically, the message of the Ad is: Look! If we hadn't killed our own people (who, incidentally, have been trained by us to kill your people) you would have been killed.We saved your asses from ourselves so now show some gratitude!'

I am overwhelmed by emotion at this show of bravery and selflessness by our neighbors. I dedicate this song to them, out of gratitude.

Prophetess of Doom

I find it hard to believe how she is still alive. Arundhati Roy I mean. A normal human being does not live off the feeling of negativity as much as she does. If I were so pessimistic, I would shrivel and wither away in a few months, but she seems to thrive on it. Give her a glass half-full and ask her opinions about it and rest assured that she won't say whether the glass is half full or half empty. Take my word for it, she will start from that glass of water, go on about water pollution, jump to the pitfalls of a democratic government, leapfrog to tyrannical regimes all around the world and then in an extreme move of all-encompassing pessimism, she will finish by predicting the doom of India.

I don't know if it is coincidence or not. But she garners publicity by writing exactly the opposite of popular opinion. When the Maoist terrorism surged, she supported the Maoists and called them Gandhians. When the Kashmiris protested, she waxed eloquent about how Kashmir was not an 'integral part' of India.

I don't know how many of us have read her booker prize winning novel (which was a good story. Pessimistic, but who doesn't love a tragedy?) But she must be famous in Kashmir and probably the Maoists are her fans too, now.

In her latest attempt at feeding off negativity, the author has written this article about Anna Hazare. The woman strikes on time and with precision. Now we shall witness how the people of India adorn her with epithets (bitch, kutti!!).

But you know what, she has raised relevant questions. I mean, we already do have agencies for the control of corruption. I am sure that the lokpal will create some fear among the hearts of our corrupt netas but what is the guarantee that it won't become another lame institution.

Imagine the complaints the lokpal will get. From the biggest neta to the common chaprasi, all are corrupt. The lokpal will be inundated with the sheer amount of complaints! I sure wouldn't want to be working with the lokpal because it will be hell. Forget the neta and the chaprasi. Let's look at ourselves. Have we never given a bribe? Have we never been involved in corruption ourselves? If you say no to those questions, then you cannot be Indian. Moreover, what is the guarantee that the people who are part of the lokpal won't be corrupt?

We must ask ourselves: will we not give a bribe and 'handle the situation' the next time we get caught jumping the traffic signal? Will we fight with the policeman or ring up the lokpal? Of course we won't! . Because we are Indians and giving chai-paani to the policeman is easier than dealing with anti-corruption bureaucracy!

P.S: Arundhati looked quite sexy when she was young (in pic). I wouldn't have minded having sex with her. But then, I wouldn't want her to open her mouth to speak either. It would be silent sex. She would kill any feeling of sexual arousal if she was allowed to open her mouth and speak!

Boom! we cry. Bang! we forget. Bladaboom! we move on...

In the recent mess of scams that the UPA government is facing, the latest blasts at Mumbai have been forgotten. As usual there was the hue and cry at the beginning, and now we don't give two hoots to who committed the crime. I mean, at least let's have someone to blame!

Last time, we had the Pakis to blame, this time the perpetrators of the crime are yet a mystery. They kill more than a score of our people, and we don't give two hoots.

It's just that we are so unconcerned. Nobody's bothered anymore. People want to do their business, earn money, have sex, produce kids and move on. Nobody is bothered about a bomb blast in the financial capital of the country as long as one's own requirements of roti, kapda, makaan and sex are met. Quite pathetic really, and the most pathetic thing is, probably nobody will read this rant on this blog either. Sad.

Davy Jones' Locker gets a new visitor

Yes, that's right. The internet has been abuzz with the reports of the death of Osamaji and his suspicious 'sea burial'. The news of his death came as a surprise, the sea burial was even more surprising. The only thing that wasn't startling at all was that Osama was found in Pakistan. We Indians knew it all along, after all. See, Mr. Obama, your pet dog was harboring and protecting a parasite, we told you so!

But Pappu is not convinced. Had they shown a proper video of Osama being killed, or at least some gruesome, grisly, mutilated remains of his body; I would have believed the first black President of the USA. But no, no video, no pictures, only an insignificant video with flippant comments from Obamaji. The rest of the already fishy affair goes to the fishes with Osama's body. Very, very fishy Mr. Obama.

Most of the Muslim world and a quarter of America already believes that 9/11 was an inside job. Just as 90% of Pakistan believes that Ajmal Kasab was actually Ranjit Singh from some obscure pind in Indian Punjab.

Now we have fodder for more conspiracy theories. 90% of the Muslim world will now speculate on two things:

1. Osama was killed ten years ago. As America has done with looting Afghanistan and plundering Iraq, they are releasing the news now.

2. Osama is not dead.

Whatever be the case, at least this Indian Pappu is not buying a word of what Obamaji is saying until they release a proper grisly video/pic.
I am depressed that America is better than India at everything (Except peeing/crapping in the open and creating filth on the roads. That nobody can beat us at.). They even lie better than our own Indian politicians!! Sonia/ Mannuji Kuchch seekho Obama se!

Anna Hazare aagey badho!! Hum tumhare saath hain!!

Yes, hum tumhare saath hain. But until when? It's been three days and Sonia madame and her cronies show no signs of relenting. Maybe because if they do, the all-powerful ombudsman of the lok-pal bill will send them to the cooler pronto. Maybe if the Lokpal bill comes into effect, it will start an involuntary jail bharo campaign of epic proportions and then the politicians in jail will legally eat up that tax money that they are illegally guzzling now. Anyway, anyhow, term it a media circus or a people's revolution. Something is happening which is more interesting than sex, albeit mildly so. If we cannot go on hunger strike at least we can support him. Mini-protest vigils are mushrooming all over the country, and I am going to take time off my busy ... ahem... schedule to join in.

The great Indian dream

We denizens of third world developing countries have often heard about the great American dream. You know, the pursuit of happiness and all that jazz. I often wonder what the great Indian dream is. Is it to become a business magnate like the Ambanis and Birlas? Is it to become a malicious politician with enough clout to mess with each and every law in the country? Is it to become a Bollywood star and shimmy your way to international fame? The answer, obviously, is a big, fat NO.

The great dream of the Indian Pappu is, putting it simply, to get to America and become American. Or get to the UK and become English. Or to Australia or New Zealand or Canada or Ireland or Germany or whatever developed country and become a citizen. As soon as we are a considerable number in the foreign land, we try to create a mini Punjab, Andhra or Tamil Nadu- Punjabi unions, Tamil committee, Telugu association, Tamil Brahmin cultural congregation and so on and so forth. The "Gelf" is akin to motherland for the Mallus, the US is Telugu and Tamil territory and "Kaneda" is infested with Punjabis.

Our hypocrisy is so ingrained that we keep struggling to get a citizenship in the developed countries while singing praises about "Indian culture" and shouting "Bharat Mata ki Jai". Personally, I find nothing wrong with being a bit of a hypocrite. I mean, it is getting FDI into our country and it is helping the emigrants get beautiful wives and enough dowry. So what could be wrong? Moreover, most PG students in the US are foreign nationals wanting to escape their own third world country. So why single out the Indians?

In a recent news report, Telugu students of one bogus "Tri-Valley university" have been tagged with radio trackers on their ankles. The news reports say that the students were conned and are not guilty of illegal immigration. I reckon that the news report is trying to con its readers. We all know that Telugu people have an irrepressible determination to live in America. It is a popular pastime in gongura-land to eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils, while plotting how to migrate to America. After migrating to America, they join the local Telugu union. Then they eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils while plotting how to get an American citizenship. Basically, anybody who has interacted with Andhraites can tell that they can give their right arm, go gay and even give up their gongura pachadi for a year in order to live in the US.

Besides, one look at the website of the university and any idiot can understand that it is a sub-standard degree factory. There is no possibility that anyone was tricked into getting admission into that university. The fact that 95% of its students were Telugu is enough to understand that they were getting into the sham knowingly.

What is funny is, why is this being made into a big issue? We have been doing this for years, one way or the other. Only difference is, that this time we were caught doing hanky-panky in a large group. If two people are caught having sex in public, it becomes a joke. If it is an orgy, it becomes a scandal.

Everyone knows that many Indian and Paki students get admits to universities in the UK and then go to work without a work permit. The same thing happens in America. Many Punjabis stage marriages complete with Patiala pegs and chicken-shikan to get to developed countries on spouse visas. So what's the big deal? All roads lead to Rome, and if you stop us from traveling on one road, we'll take a detour and reach the land of dreams via another. Ha! How smart we are.

Currently, our foreign minister Krishna is making the right noises in the media. The US has conceded to a 'case to case' investigation to ascertain whether the students are guilty or not. Unless the students are deported, they will definitely find their way into another institute and continue living the great Indian dream.

And the radio tags? Oh, those are the unfortunate few who caught the eyes of the investigators. In all possibility, they are coming back to the land of the Tirupati laddoo.

Meanwhile in Hyderabad, in an baffling display of extreme levels of human pigheadeness, the All India Student's Federation protested against the Tri-valley university. This shows that we Indians only need an excuse to protest. I mean, protest against a sham university that is about to be closed down? WTF!

Arabian Daze

It has been a couple of days since I have been seeing the reports of the unrest in Tunisia, Egypt and nearly all of the Arab world on the first page of the newspaper. Yes, believe it or not I read the newspaper as well, besides watching TV and thinking about sex. It is completely beyond my understanding as to why they are revolting. My opinion of the Arabs is just like any other Indian Pappu's. It goes somewhat like this.

The Arab world, is a land of sheiks in flowing white nightgowns with their women in flowing black nightgowns . There is no water in the desert lands, but strangely, if you strike the ground it spouts black gold. This makes the sheiks filthy rich. Rich enough for greedy and unemployed Malayalee omanakuttys, poor Philipino Chinese, Bangladeshi Pakis and other poor people of other nationalities to work as household help, cab drivers, engineers etc. etc. 

Besides oil, the Arabs pay attention to only one thing and that is religion. Or rather religions. That is, besides their own religion, they pay attention to the people of any and every other religion and brand them 'Kuffars' or 'Infidels'. Apart from this, I know that they drink camel milk. I am also curious as to how many of the Arabs will turn up if I go to a crowded Arab market and shout out for 'Mohamed'. I know my analysis of the Arabs is accurate.

Anyway, the newspaper reports said something about a 'Mohamed' who is Tunisian, a fruit stall wallah and he immolated himself because his fruit stall was shut down by a female Government servant. Mohamed was high on debt and did not have any other means to survive, so he immolated himself. This, apparently, was the last straw. The Tunisian people revolted against their dictator leader and sent him packing to Saudi Arabia. This, was because they believed that the leader (His name is quite difficult to type and pronounce) is responsible for corruption, unemployment and hunger in their country.

I was like, wow. The death of a fruit stall vendor leads to a country (CountrieS, to be precise.) erupting in revolt! How cool is that! Following the example of Mohamed fruitstallwalla, other Mohamed's and Ali's in other Arab countries started immolating and electrocuting themselves. This led to protests in Algeria, Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Jordan, Mauritania and other Arab countries. I never even knew there were these many Arab countries to start with.

Here in India, corruption is so rampant that we accept it as we accept the task of visiting the loo daily. I don't know about fruit stall vendors, but we hear of farmer suicides on a fortnightly basis. Nobody bothers as long as we get our roti, daal and subzi at reasonable prices. And when the prices of roti, dal and subzi go through the roof, we blame Sonia and Mannu at the centre and then we go to office and make a friend pay for lunch. Ha. How clever we are!

The Arabs are idiots. Why go to all those lengths, protesting and all. Learn the eternal truth from the infidels, you stupid Arabs. Today you are being raped by one Mohamed/Ali/Husain, the minute you send him off, another Mohamed/Ali/Husain will ravage you. Then another fruit vendor will kill himself and then there will be protests and then.... get the drift? 

They should follow the Indian system, these Arabs. Blame the Mohamed or Ali at the head of the Government and then go to work. God will take care of the rest. Inshallah, as they say in the Arab world.

Nira Radia and the art of Aural sex.

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