Prophetess of Doom

I find it hard to believe how she is still alive. Arundhati Roy I mean. A normal human being does not live off the feeling of negativity as much as she does. If I were so pessimistic, I would shrivel and wither away in a few months, but she seems to thrive on it. Give her a glass half-full and ask her opinions about it and rest assured that she won't say whether the glass is half full or half empty. Take my word for it, she will start from that glass of water, go on about water pollution, jump to the pitfalls of a democratic government, leapfrog to tyrannical regimes all around the world and then in an extreme move of all-encompassing pessimism, she will finish by predicting the doom of India.

I don't know if it is coincidence or not. But she garners publicity by writing exactly the opposite of popular opinion. When the Maoist terrorism surged, she supported the Maoists and called them Gandhians. When the Kashmiris protested, she waxed eloquent about how Kashmir was not an 'integral part' of India.

I don't know how many of us have read her booker prize winning novel (which was a good story. Pessimistic, but who doesn't love a tragedy?) But she must be famous in Kashmir and probably the Maoists are her fans too, now.

In her latest attempt at feeding off negativity, the author has written this article about Anna Hazare. The woman strikes on time and with precision. Now we shall witness how the people of India adorn her with epithets (bitch, kutti!!).

But you know what, she has raised relevant questions. I mean, we already do have agencies for the control of corruption. I am sure that the lokpal will create some fear among the hearts of our corrupt netas but what is the guarantee that it won't become another lame institution.

Imagine the complaints the lokpal will get. From the biggest neta to the common chaprasi, all are corrupt. The lokpal will be inundated with the sheer amount of complaints! I sure wouldn't want to be working with the lokpal because it will be hell. Forget the neta and the chaprasi. Let's look at ourselves. Have we never given a bribe? Have we never been involved in corruption ourselves? If you say no to those questions, then you cannot be Indian. Moreover, what is the guarantee that the people who are part of the lokpal won't be corrupt?

We must ask ourselves: will we not give a bribe and 'handle the situation' the next time we get caught jumping the traffic signal? Will we fight with the policeman or ring up the lokpal? Of course we won't! . Because we are Indians and giving chai-paani to the policeman is easier than dealing with anti-corruption bureaucracy!

P.S: Arundhati looked quite sexy when she was young (in pic). I wouldn't have minded having sex with her. But then, I wouldn't want her to open her mouth to speak either. It would be silent sex. She would kill any feeling of sexual arousal if she was allowed to open her mouth and speak!

Community sex 4 u

Recently saw an ad on the telly for community matrimony dot com. The name is self explanatory, it is a matrimonial site for people to look for partners and prospective spouses for their kids from their own caste.

I often wonder, why did Indians create so many communities among themselves? I mean, how different is one Indian from another? OK, OK so the North Indians are a bit fairer than the South Indians and as usual, I am ignoring the North-East who don't look Indians anyway. We have the same attitudes towards life, similar garlic-onion-chilly-spices laden food and the ability to breed like rabbits!

Our leaders and reformers worked tirelessly to uplift the lower castes and rid the country of the caste system. But we all know the truth. I mean, all you need to do is to open the matrimonial column of the newspapers and the caste system is on display in all its naked glory.

Maybe the solution to all of this is sex. Inter-caste sex. We may not be able to marry with a different community, but at least we can have a lot of sex amongst ourselves. I mean, we all have similar equipment between our legs, thank God. It's not that a Brahmin has  forward privates and the Shudra has backward ones.

So I think the solution would be to have sex with a person of a different community. Sex is about touching each other, feeling each other, smelling each other and tasting each other. When we do that with a person of another community, we will learn that the feel of the body of a Sharma is not so different from that of an Agarwal which is not so different from that of a Mahajan which is not so different from that of a Meena and so on and so forth. And when we realize through the joy of sex that we are not so different, we will be able to alleviate the pain of the wretched caste system to some extent. I think all the youth of India should engage in such activities of inter caste harmony to rid the country of the social evil.

But I shudder to think what would happen if the caste system spreads its tentacles into the sex lives of people. Imagine what porn websites could turn into : Communitysex4u.com, desibrahminparadise.com, agarwalsluts.com, chaturvedipussy.com, gaymeena.com, adidravidarcumpots.com.

Sigh, I think we are better off with communitymatrimony.com after all!!

Boom! we cry. Bang! we forget. Bladaboom! we move on...

In the recent mess of scams that the UPA government is facing, the latest blasts at Mumbai have been forgotten. As usual there was the hue and cry at the beginning, and now we don't give two hoots to who committed the crime. I mean, at least let's have someone to blame!

Last time, we had the Pakis to blame, this time the perpetrators of the crime are yet a mystery. They kill more than a score of our people, and we don't give two hoots.

It's just that we are so unconcerned. Nobody's bothered anymore. People want to do their business, earn money, have sex, produce kids and move on. Nobody is bothered about a bomb blast in the financial capital of the country as long as one's own requirements of roti, kapda, makaan and sex are met. Quite pathetic really, and the most pathetic thing is, probably nobody will read this rant on this blog either. Sad.

Davy Jones' Locker gets a new visitor

Yes, that's right. The internet has been abuzz with the reports of the death of Osamaji and his suspicious 'sea burial'. The news of his death came as a surprise, the sea burial was even more surprising. The only thing that wasn't startling at all was that Osama was found in Pakistan. We Indians knew it all along, after all. See, Mr. Obama, your pet dog was harboring and protecting a parasite, we told you so!

But Pappu is not convinced. Had they shown a proper video of Osama being killed, or at least some gruesome, grisly, mutilated remains of his body; I would have believed the first black President of the USA. But no, no video, no pictures, only an insignificant video with flippant comments from Obamaji. The rest of the already fishy affair goes to the fishes with Osama's body. Very, very fishy Mr. Obama.

Most of the Muslim world and a quarter of America already believes that 9/11 was an inside job. Just as 90% of Pakistan believes that Ajmal Kasab was actually Ranjit Singh from some obscure pind in Indian Punjab.

Now we have fodder for more conspiracy theories. 90% of the Muslim world will now speculate on two things:

1. Osama was killed ten years ago. As America has done with looting Afghanistan and plundering Iraq, they are releasing the news now.

2. Osama is not dead.

Whatever be the case, at least this Indian Pappu is not buying a word of what Obamaji is saying until they release a proper grisly video/pic.
I am depressed that America is better than India at everything (Except peeing/crapping in the open and creating filth on the roads. That nobody can beat us at.). They even lie better than our own Indian politicians!! Sonia/ Mannuji Kuchch seekho Obama se!

Anna Hazare aagey badho!! Hum tumhare saath hain!!

Yes, hum tumhare saath hain. But until when? It's been three days and Sonia madame and her cronies show no signs of relenting. Maybe because if they do, the all-powerful ombudsman of the lok-pal bill will send them to the cooler pronto. Maybe if the Lokpal bill comes into effect, it will start an involuntary jail bharo campaign of epic proportions and then the politicians in jail will legally eat up that tax money that they are illegally guzzling now. Anyway, anyhow, term it a media circus or a people's revolution. Something is happening which is more interesting than sex, albeit mildly so. If we cannot go on hunger strike at least we can support him. Mini-protest vigils are mushrooming all over the country, and I am going to take time off my busy ... ahem... schedule to join in.

Goodbye Uncle Pai

The world is so busy with Earthquakes, Corruption, Wikileaks and Arab world protests that something momentous has been overlooked. I recently realized that Uncle Pai is dead. This leaves me saddened to no end.

Dear Uncle Pai,

If you are able to read this from wherever you are right now, please know that your creations: Amar Chitra Katha and Tinkle have been an integral part of my childhood. At a time when I actually wasn't concerned in the least bit about sex. Thanks a ton for innumerable moments and colorful times spent in the company of Shikari Shambu, Suppandi, Kalia the crow, Doob Doob and heroes and heroines from Indian mythology and history. I know this is pretty late for a lament, dear Uncle, so accept my humble apologies. May children continue to revel in the picture books created by you for a long, long time to come.

Thank you,
Pappu.

The great Indian dream

We denizens of third world developing countries have often heard about the great American dream. You know, the pursuit of happiness and all that jazz. I often wonder what the great Indian dream is. Is it to become a business magnate like the Ambanis and Birlas? Is it to become a malicious politician with enough clout to mess with each and every law in the country? Is it to become a Bollywood star and shimmy your way to international fame? The answer, obviously, is a big, fat NO.

The great dream of the Indian Pappu is, putting it simply, to get to America and become American. Or get to the UK and become English. Or to Australia or New Zealand or Canada or Ireland or Germany or whatever developed country and become a citizen. As soon as we are a considerable number in the foreign land, we try to create a mini Punjab, Andhra or Tamil Nadu- Punjabi unions, Tamil committee, Telugu association, Tamil Brahmin cultural congregation and so on and so forth. The "Gelf" is akin to motherland for the Mallus, the US is Telugu and Tamil territory and "Kaneda" is infested with Punjabis.

Our hypocrisy is so ingrained that we keep struggling to get a citizenship in the developed countries while singing praises about "Indian culture" and shouting "Bharat Mata ki Jai". Personally, I find nothing wrong with being a bit of a hypocrite. I mean, it is getting FDI into our country and it is helping the emigrants get beautiful wives and enough dowry. So what could be wrong? Moreover, most PG students in the US are foreign nationals wanting to escape their own third world country. So why single out the Indians?

In a recent news report, Telugu students of one bogus "Tri-Valley university" have been tagged with radio trackers on their ankles. The news reports say that the students were conned and are not guilty of illegal immigration. I reckon that the news report is trying to con its readers. We all know that Telugu people have an irrepressible determination to live in America. It is a popular pastime in gongura-land to eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils, while plotting how to migrate to America. After migrating to America, they join the local Telugu union. Then they eat huge quantities of rice with ghee and lentils while plotting how to get an American citizenship. Basically, anybody who has interacted with Andhraites can tell that they can give their right arm, go gay and even give up their gongura pachadi for a year in order to live in the US.

Besides, one look at the website of the university and any idiot can understand that it is a sub-standard degree factory. There is no possibility that anyone was tricked into getting admission into that university. The fact that 95% of its students were Telugu is enough to understand that they were getting into the sham knowingly.

What is funny is, why is this being made into a big issue? We have been doing this for years, one way or the other. Only difference is, that this time we were caught doing hanky-panky in a large group. If two people are caught having sex in public, it becomes a joke. If it is an orgy, it becomes a scandal.

Everyone knows that many Indian and Paki students get admits to universities in the UK and then go to work without a work permit. The same thing happens in America. Many Punjabis stage marriages complete with Patiala pegs and chicken-shikan to get to developed countries on spouse visas. So what's the big deal? All roads lead to Rome, and if you stop us from traveling on one road, we'll take a detour and reach the land of dreams via another. Ha! How smart we are.

Currently, our foreign minister Krishna is making the right noises in the media. The US has conceded to a 'case to case' investigation to ascertain whether the students are guilty or not. Unless the students are deported, they will definitely find their way into another institute and continue living the great Indian dream.

And the radio tags? Oh, those are the unfortunate few who caught the eyes of the investigators. In all possibility, they are coming back to the land of the Tirupati laddoo.

Meanwhile in Hyderabad, in an baffling display of extreme levels of human pigheadeness, the All India Student's Federation protested against the Tri-valley university. This shows that we Indians only need an excuse to protest. I mean, protest against a sham university that is about to be closed down? WTF!